Today was kind of a smack in the face. I’ve always been self conscious about my body and sophomore year i was asked daily if i was pregnant. It killed my self esteem. So after getting out of a very bad relationship I decided that I was going to fix what i didn’t like bout myself. So i lost a lot of weight and I gained my self esteem back. I’ve felt so good about myself lately and today I was drug back to those terrible 10th grade days. Someone asked me if I was pregnant. It may not seem like it should be such a big deal, but to me it was. All my hard work to make myself feel better collapsed in the matter of seconds. It’s still stuck playing every 5 minutes in my head. I hate sounding like I’m over playing it, but it has such bad memories when it pops in my head. But it looks like I’m back to the drawing board on feeling a little bit better about myself. This sucks..
I’ve come to realize I’ve gone through so much in the last 9 months. It’s ridiculous how much can change within such a short period of time. You go through so much pain, but so much happiness at the same time. Heartbreaks, falling in what you think is true love. You lose and gain friends. You yourself go through major changes. You grow up, you mature and realize what you deserve and what bullshit is unnecessary. Looking back, i wouldn’t change a single thing i’ve done. i just pray that i’ll be smarter and wiser when it comes to my heart within the next couple months because I don’t know how much more pain I can go through before I permanently break. Let’s just hope things go well.
So, they guy I’ve been talking to and that I really like asked me out just now. I really wanna say yes, BUT idk if I’m over my ex completely. I don’t want to lose this chance but I don’t know if im ready, The thoughts that are going through my head right now are all over the place. I just hope I don’t regret saying yes…
I was talking to an old friend today about the recent relationship I had just gotten out of. All this time I thought it was my fault that our relationship went down the drain. I thought it was my fault that he was abusive. But I figured out my mental state was so out of it, that I was blinded by the person I thought he was compared to the person he really was. He was a monster. He had me so distraught from reality that I didn’t even know who I was as a person anymore. I had lost all sight of myself and I was okay with that. I was so in love with the thought of being in love that I didn’t care what happened. Or what he said. I just wanted to be with someone. And because of that I potentially could have been hurt seriously. But talking to a couple friends I realized that it wasn’t me and that I was the victim, not him. Yes I did say some things that shouldn’t have been said, but none of what I did or said made me deserve the things that happened to me. So, the morale of this, make sure you have people in your life that are there to help make sure you know what’s going on around you, even if you can’t see it yourself. Make sure you have those people that are going to be willing to tell you things that you don’t want to hear, but you need to. Keep people close and watch out for yourself,